I Haunt The Places Of The Dead,I Am A Cosmic Whore,And My Place Is In The Kingdom Of Hell
... he said it was the work of the Devil...guess they all were right LOL...on the Dick Maurice TV show I was interviewed on,he asked if I was like the Exorcist movie when the little girl got possessed...and I replied something like..it is the same force..I was in the May 1978 Fate magazine and loads of other mags and newspapers even a couple books..some I wish to forget..but that is life I guess,because... with most stuff that was written about me prior to recent times and the more insightful writers on the web who do listen to my words and let me have a voice when I am interviewed,the older articles were from another persons point of view,and they were not of the darkness as I was and much was censored...that kept in mind some of it makes for interesting reading anyway.
When something scares people,they want to make it seem "safe"..but I grew up...so no one is safe any more!...to see bullshit contained in movie form...check out The Great American Ghost Tour..I had a segment in that documentary playing and talking..but the words were THEIR script NOT MINE!..
the playing and singing though was mine and mine alone and I still love the evil song that channeled through me that day....my Mom dressed me in outfits that looked like Beethoven for the occasion..whooooo those dresses looked funny now that I think back,she curled my hair too,I loved my Mom and I miss her.she died of lung cancer in 1995..my Sister Tatiana always knew of my darkness and was the only person sometimes I could talk to...
she saw the dark shadow presence as well and her little dog Gita saw it and was even barking at him....and we then both saw him walk right through the den wall!..I am still close with Tania.The origins of my family on my Mothers side are Germanic..my Grandmother was born in Salzburg,her Father was the only one in the family besides me,that was a musican,he played guitar...his profession was leather work,the family immigrated to New York and that is where my Mother was born , My Mother my Grandmother and Grandfather,and Aunt moved to California,I was born in Santa Monica
my Mom,and Sisters(I have two Sisters,Tania the oldest and Gioia(who I never see) the middle and I the youngest)were professional ice skaters..they were skating stars in ice shows,Mom had an act with live doves on her fingers and started the skating tradition
my Father(I had a different Father then my Sisters did) was killed when I was three,but He and my Mother had already separated before that,I remember once when he came to visit..he told me"he was going to die" and that he loved me...
it made me feel very sad
and tears ran down my cheeks...as I said "goodbye".
my Mom raised me alone ...and I have much love for her...saying goodbye to my Mom was hard too...mostly that she suffered so with the lung cancer,the night she died,I held her in my arms as the sound of deaths rattle mixed with a stormy spring wind..I looked into her dying eyes,like walking through a door...and felt the life go from her
she spoke of seeing other worlds when she was sick...and of people with black lipstick and white faces..corpse paint?
also she saw beautiful lands with fairy folk
I said something as a child"someday the lights will go out"and around the moments my Moms body was being cremated at the mortuary...all the lights/power went out..only in our house..then came back on
my Mother and Sister were always supportive of me,my Sister studied the dark arts,both accepted me for what I was.but I do not think it was easy for any of us,
because being brought up Catholic,and my Grandmother and Aunt being quite devoted ones,when something strange happens,the first thought is it must be God..
At the age of three,I woke to see a dark shadow figure standing over my bed..he had large horns on his head,my Sister saw him also,as well as her small dog Gita,we all followed him into the den where he walked,right thought the wall...since then I had the gift of singing in all languages and playing music without being taught..I believe it was my Satanic baptism...I know it now,but then I did not fully understand..but my darkness was growing,I remember a metaphysician friend of the family asking me,I must have been like 4 years old,what is your favorite Holiday?I replied,why of course Halloween,because that is when the dead walk..he was horrified,saying,well of course you are like normal children and love Christmas the most?and that you love Jesus,I replied,I hate Jesus and Christmas...
my Mom was very upset and the friend said I was to get rid of being so negative...another time,some other people from the same circle of metaphysical thought were visiting and happened to walk into my bedroom,I had all my dolls as usual in coffins,in a little graveyard I made on my clothing chest,I loved to play dead doll,and had one in a Lucite coffin(was a perfume box but worked well for the purpose) as my prize display,put flowers on the top ...
little grave markers from cardboard too on all the graves with the dolls,one had no leg,and I liked that one very much...they told my Mom I must be disturbed and very influenced by something evil,and to pray.pray.pray!.
My Aunt was thinking the only place for me was a convent,but when my Family took me to have a meeting with a Catholic Priest,he said what I did was the work of the Devil,wow,he actually got it right!..anyway...my family was mortified by the Priests words...I could care less...he was so miserable and tight,I thought,how could he even be alive.
I played a music show for a Senior group and proudly announced ..and this is the Funeral March...I also had a song called Sarcophagus..I would go to the museum in LA and always just about wanted to crawl into the one they had displayed in the ancient Greek exhibit..loved it!....sometimes people got upset with my musical content.
At times some rather prominent classical music people came over to see me as a child prodigy...one time this guy went berserk,and shut the piano almost hitting my hands as he screamed,I cannot stand the music,stop! stop!.....I was starting to think some adults were really nuts..
When I was about the age of Eight or Nine we moved from the Los Angeles area to Ojai.
But the real episodes were"yet to come".
We were to study the deep mysteries at Theosophy's Krotona institute,my Mother thought it
would help to study this and become more knowledgeable on all these subjects and maybe find a place for my music in this quiet setting..I sat there with my Mom and Sister for these two hour lectures...
I liked learning about the ancient philosophies..the wood chairs in that place were hard and got really uncomfortable LOL ...
then came trouble...
a prominent lecturer at Krotona,and Liberal Catholic Church Deacon
also turns out he led a secret circle within Krotona
and thought himself a "High Master"..
this man gets it into his head that I was too young to sit so still for the lectures,and I must be possessed by what he described as a "little man" so him and his undercover followers,some were "friends" of ours..set out to find a way to "save" the child from being a vessel for this evil little man..my body had to die to save me was the unanimous decision.
this my Sister was told by one of the followers,a young man who I always thought was my friend,he truly believed and was brainwashed with these insane thoughts taught by the cult leader,but good thing he told my sister so we were warned...
..to make matters worse I was also playing organ for the mass at the Liberal Catholic Church that is connected with Krotona.. ..
.my Mom gets a frantic call from the Bishop and the British occult writer Geoffrey Hodson who lectured at Krotona... one morning when I was going to play for mass that they had knowledge a bomb was in the organ,ready to go off when I played that day... .we were told not to go there anymore,it was not safe for us or the Church!... I did a very dark spell..
.I got a lemon,stuck it with 13 black pins,called all the Demons in Hell under the name of Satan as my Lord..to kill him
..a few weeks later,Krotona had to relieve him of his duties as part of Krotona,he had lost his mind to the point of not being able to function...and died I heard from an inside source in a metal hospital,screaming my name...
A meeting with the writer,lecturer Krishnamurti followed
he was sort of creepy in my take on him..at his retreat in Ojai..
.he wanted to see me alone in this quiet room
....he just looked me in the eyes...thought I was a reincarnation of Annie Besant.....
then he took me back to my family skipping along with me all across the grounds,holding my hand like we were both small children.
Now we were not going up to Krotona anymore...too crazy...
Mom hears about these people at a church who speak in tongues..Pentecostal Four Square...she thinks it is a lot like what I was doing,so we all went to the church..this lady all in white preaching about God...I felt kind of like throwing up..
.they did babble while they lifted up their arms to praise..
.I was asked to play some piano and sing in the middle of the service ...but when I finished playing the music...the lady Minister got on the mike and said...beware the Devil will try to outdo God...I was singing in tongues at will and she told me,right there.. that it was evil for me to do what I do in my music...
then a young crippled girl dropped her crutches and was flopping around the floor frothing at the mouth and babbling blasphemous words..
.the minister was then trying to "strike the devil out of the girl"...the whole bunch were looking like they were going to lynch us,so we obviously could not go back there.
I never went to formal school because I went into this possession state
and would trance out so it was disturbing to a classroom,
but I was reading and writing and doing math by age two,even writing poetry...I studied by myself.
At about twelve,
I became the subject of lab psychic experiments at different parapsychology departments including UCLA,Stanford..and
also was invited with my Mom and Sister to stay and be studied by Dr.Andrija Puharich in his Ossining home,he is the one who brought Uri Geller to this country...he would lock me in what is called 'The Faraday Cage"an all metal room with very little air...
count me backward..till I was in a trance travel state...he had no interest in my music,no..all he wanted was Atomic numbers....Tesla theories....to get formulas for equations that could be used for things like war fare etc...I only wanted to do music,he only wanted me to do that...he said he had kidnap threats on me,could be true,he was always thinking that everything was an inner government thing going on with his research..I really cannot say,it is what I heard from him though... during this time in my life,right after the Stanford lab tests,
that bunch of tests got to me.. I was getting irritated with all the testing,got mad ,all the elevators stopped and it blew out the electrodes meters they wanted to test me with.I started to lose a lot of body weight...
I went to about 80 pounds,when I was usually about 110....
it did make me nervous all of the prying.Anorexia? yes..
They had students from other countries to verify the languages,I remember some said I was speaking Arabic..an old form of Babylonian another ancient language professor deciphered
...they put me in a dark room to see if I would revert to a before birth state.
..nothing happened, I hated the dark room,it was claustrophobic
.Back to Andrija Puharich....he wanted info all day and night
..even when some of the channeling sessions came through asking him to please help the music that comes through me be placed out in the world for people to hear,he said he would,but then the next day would insist he would never help my music reach the public,because he had a bad experience when Uri Geller left him after he helped Uri get known world wide with his book,so Puharich did write about me,but in a hidden way,and called me just one of the space kids,so no one would ever know who I was.I was way to thin and sick...every time I tried to eat...
he wanted me to go back in that fucking cage...I remember crying in my bedroom there
..but something..a presence in the night comforted me
...when I went back home to Ojai,I became healthier,ate more and gained back my usual pounds
...we went again to see Puharich after a few months in England
..he was surprised I looked much more wholesome
....I played at a private home invitation only concert
...the editor from Psychic News Of London was present..Puharich warned him not to write anything about me or the concert
...he(the editor) wrote the article anyway..I have a copy of the two articles he wrote.he was one of the wiser people I have met in my life,and I liked him..during the concert
...a rush of cold air filled the room even though it was very warm and summertime....this happened after some things were said by Puharich in between my playing that what I do should be hidden and the music not heard in the world...it was not for them to say what should happen with MY MUSIC AND MY LIFE..
bastards and fuckers all of them who do that! Puharich put me into one of those session count back things...I was so pissed I got up without being counted back to an awake state..
and that was the last time I saw him..he too I heard went to a mental ward and was yelling something about me when he died.
The psychic tests,Andrija Puharich,UCLA,Stanford..they all studied me like a lab rat...all that is part of my life..the good,the bad,the beautiful,,and the downright ugly...I hide nothing...if anyone wants to know something about me,just ask me and I will tell you what I know of it.
Another incident was when we were invited to attend a "spiritual" meeting with a lady who wished to sponsor me and present concerts for me as a gifted channeler..but it came with a price
...she took me to the edge of a cliff in the Santa Barbara mountains where the retreat was..and said...jump!..if you are of God you will not fall...
the Angels will hold you,but if you be as I feel of Satan...you will die!..I kind of got in the car really fast and said ..we have to get out of here.
In Ojai..
on a few occasions was seen a psychic phenomena..I saw in the sky a huge chariot made of like a web sparkling aura ..it was late in the evening,and I would look out at the stars from the living room window..the size will always stay in my mind of that ..but what it was exactly...I do not know...another was what all three of us(Mom,Tania and Me) saw..out in bright daylight...like the Egyptian winged object with a circle that had a light in the middle of the two black wings...it was very large and in the sky,we all saw it for quite a long time,then it disappeared...another time...
my piano started playing by itself...amazing I thought!.I had seen some Wraiths also,one was about 3 feet high but one of the evilest,and another had a hand with three claws,and he lived on blood...lots of wonderful bed shaking,lights being turned on and off etc.went on during the time these presences visited me.
I remember a meeting I attended at a Rosicrucian order in Southern California,
I met Israeli Regardi,he was Secretary in Aleister Crowley's Golden Dawn,he had only this to say to me
...there is nothing Spiritual about you..nothing at all!.He would not shake my hand to touch me because I so negative.
I myself love the writings of Crowley,Lovecraft,La Vey and many others that write works of darkness....I find beautiful comfort when reading the abominations section of the Necronomicon
In my early teens,twenties----I record some demo songs at a Vegas studio,the engineer(well know in pop circles) has me go with him over to his place to talk about the tracks,(actually the tracks were almost un hearable,no volume at all...not a good job on the recorded end)..
his S&M cult is waiting for me,I get tied up,blind folded and beaten to a pulp.hit with Lucite paddles on my spine..they beat me hundreds of times on each spot with a huge bull whip,between my legs,thighs,I kept passing out,they kept reviving me and did more, also...
I remember them saying things like....this will change you,change the feeling we get from you.but it changed nothing about me,
I remained a fighting sprit.all night I remained tied up,with a cross bow pointed at me.I get dumped out on my front lawn the next morning...
I lost feeling in my fingers for a while after that and my legs still have some scars,but was able to play piano again with full playing about a year after that.
When I was 18,I discovered I had an illness called Lupus,I had a very brutal bout with it,with blisters on my back ,face and chest,a red as they call"butterfly mask rash also on my face,I had a high fever all the time,still I was playing some rock shows in Vegas when I could hardly keep going..I still wanted to play music
I went to a doctor after it got so bad to see what was going on
and he did many tests,some really painful since the skin had to be sampled for the test without putting it to "sleep" and they came back as positive for Lupus and he gave me ten years to live,I found ways without cortizone because I got allergic to the cortizone the Doctor gave me to manage the illness
and actually
got alot better just taking vitamin E
I was able to live without much problem up until 2006
sometimes I have attacks with a fever and feeling horrible,but staying out of the sun helped my skin heal and I take asprin for it sometimes too if I feel sick
On Love,Lust And The Thunder Within
It was in my early teens,I was playing guitar with a rock guitarist from a local band, I admired his playing..and it turns out we both admired each other..he was not exactly single,but one night,we found our way into my bedroom with my large Baphomet painting on the wall,we stood naked in front of it,and dedicated our intentions to Satan..and I..found myself no longer a virgin that night:-)
sadly for me,a few days later he decides I was way too of the dark side for him,and he decides to go back to church to repent and stay on the "right"path..and he acted like a real jerk doing that..I respect that he had his life,but he could of done the break in a kinder way to me
another rather memorable relationship was with my Karate teacher..a grand master,first class black belt champion,he learned black magic from an old renegade monk who left the temple to persue a dark and evil Chi style,and he was able to push people over,including me
with just the electric in his hands from a great distance,which was a great advantage in his karate fighting,he passed the Chi technique to me,once he transformed into a tiger during one of our..very passionate and brutal sparring sessions...and every lesson for Kata I took from him,I was to "give Teacher sex"
which entailed me orally pleasuring him then drinking his cum..that done far too often did result in me having a sort of steroid overdose reaction,
but how I did enjoy and respect my Teacher..one night,we even decided to book a room at a sleazy desert hotel...I remember us trying to act cool checking in...
we really did not look cool at all because we were both excited...
we were both young..and those...
are sort of good times for me
then....
what happened...I do not know exactly ..
he becomes afraid of being evil,after years of this..he had a wimpy fear that he had become far too deep in darkness and became xtian like a Jehovah Wittness shit thing brainwashed him
we had differences sometimes in the past.but we could usually resolve them..but not this time
... I remember once I kissed his feet to show him how I felt in reverence to him after the first week I met him..he was so intense with wanting all of me,that I did not know if I could be all what he wanted and needed..so I took some time to think and space my thoughts and decided I did want to be with him as student
..I think he was half insane,but that could add to his bad boy charm sometimes, I was a friend to him and a loyal student who wanted to keep the dark Chi sacred..so when he could not go near me anymore,it hurt alot not only on a physical level,but also a spiritual one...I spat on him,and told him he was dead to me as is the ritual when one renounces a Teacher..and walked away never to return to the Dojo..I did run into him years after that at a little run down strip joint I was dancing at for a short time,and he told me that he did always love me and that it just about killed him to part with me and that he went back to the hellish side of Chi and was alone at that point,that he could not go near me that time because he had become involved with a "bitch"that got pregnant ,and he was "stuck'to marry her and be xtian...and he lived a lie.and hated it..I listened to him...but what he did in the past..still made me feel differently...he has sadly passed away I found out,I hope he has now found his true Darkness,and is doing Kata in Hell...for he was a true Grand Master.
Always these matters of the heart are a bit too dark and intense for the "other party"but they are always special and with great abandon for me and them while it lasts,so I figure I will remember the good parts of my many encounters
my soul is full of hate,but my passion can be like fire
but the nature of fire is that it consumes
I go into times,sometimes years of celibacy,communing only with the spirits of darkness,and that can be very fulfilling in dark spirituality
in all ways,I am extreme
passion,lust,hate,war, is in my spirit,and I revere all those parts I am..for I am a child of Satan
My music progressed over time..
into a dark sound of classical ambience and brutal violence from deep within me..always channeled form the darkness...after all the religions,and metaphysics,and cosmic bullshit shoved down my mouth...I took a parchment...and wrote...I give myself to the work of Satan...to the Demons in Hell...
.and signed my name in my own blood...it was a beginning...I was on the road to find my true path.
Then I started doing Satanic rituals alone..
with chanting,meditation,the calling of Dead spirits...
many nights the Dark Ones would come to me in shadowed forms to visit me.
my site was supported by many wonderful people on the underground of Satan
including award winning Satanic writer/web site Devil In Blighty(Kris Hawkins) of England,
at that time I was living in Las Vegas.The site was number one on some of the Satanic top sites like The Satanic Networks topsite.
In 2003 after I joined The First Church Of Satan and Temple Of Nox and was creating some very dark channeled music,
that same year I was contacted by Steve Mills of Tubilah dog
to help me record an album as I had no knowledge of recording techniques and my tracks were just live tape captures..
I wanted better quality to release a first album,
but Steve..after "helping" me record took my tracks and claimed
the songs and playing as part of his own,
I lost 11 tracks that way..
to make matters worse,he hated Satanism and wrote "as me" all kinds of wimpy shit on the web...
once he went crazy and wanted to do an exorcism on me..
he said he was a witch,first it was that he was a "dark witch" then he was of the "light type of witch",
but turns out he was worse then that...
a xtian fanatic out to ruin me..most likely from the first ...he wanted to control me..and said that...my messages should stop and never be out for anyone to hear!.
in the album dark erotika he claims he played the tracks...when in truth they are my playing tracks mangled in a bad mix..
it is a farce!..I never heard it..
.and would not want to hear that piece of BS.
Still on The subject of the farce of my dealings with Steve Mills...
he believes himself a cult leader,he is a joke.
The Dark Erotika cd is my songs all mangled and tainted by him..
.Dark Erotika I must admit was my idea,
but after he got the tracks ruined and took all the guts out of them...so he could claim it as part of his own..
I just let it go as just another bad experience and told him not to release the album,
I have not spoken to him since 2004 when I went to England to record tracks at his home studio
when he kept me in one freezing(it was November) room upstairs
and would not allow me to leave or speak with anyone else,
he recorded tracks of my piano playing,guitar and vocals all day while I was staying there,downstairs during the night he had his cult members doing spells, ,he said to me I should die rather then live possessed,and that he was going
to be all powerful as a channeler when I passed away,
he hated my trashed,hellish style of guitar playing and told me I should quit playing,
he hated my chanting,hated my voice,hated my piano playing
...so, why is he holding on to this and flaunting his stealing?
and impersonating me?
putting lies on the web as me?.
has he nothing of his own? he is sick and stupid..I am glad I have learned to record,engineer,master my own music,never again will I be abused in this way...he will suffer the wrath of Satan!
another little note on the Mills thing...
he sang all the vocals(as me) ,he mixes the dark erotika album different all the time I know..some of the vocals are really bad from times I have heard some of the tracks and turned them off in disgust because it was his voice mimicking me with what he thought I sounded like,he also played the guitar over mine..
he kept the keyboards because he cannot play the keyboard,he pounded on his keyboard and threw it when I was there,breaking it..
he had a fit,told me I could not sing right...,he hit me hard on my backside and called me stupid,
and kicked his water pipe trying to hit me with that,
I avoided it as well as a poor cat hopped in the air to avoid it,and it started a small fire in the rug..
when he was busy stamping out the fire,I went upstairs to hide.
he would try to sound like me sort of..
but it was a bad attempt,his own stuff was better for him...
I could not stand being treated so violently..
he did not want me to chant anymore he wanted words..because he wanted me to be a demo to show the songs for other people to perform,"known artists"...
but then he ended up singing it himself because I "sounded so dumb and retarded"...
"he could do it better,he was the pro,he was in his own words the "hard task master" he hated how I spoke and sang.and hated me to channel the spirit chants..but then he was trying to chant and channel himself..he is a copy cat who likes to put other people down..
and in the end..that will make him a loser.
Some of this stuff ,after all these years I just let out of my thoughts...
but since this silly album is being brought up by him...
it is important...people that know my music,hear that album and can see what I am talking about...
it is like...
fake me!...because that is exactly what it is...
sure I composed the songs...but what crap was done with them...I hate that.
In 2006 I got sick with complications from Lupus and an infection that caused ludwigs angina
and was pretty much dead..
that is when I could not maintain my site anymore,
I was rotting away literally,it took me many months to be able to walk,see and function again anywhere close to normal when I did come out from my death state..
my heart was still damaged from what happened.. I was driven to create SATANIC CORPSE.
DEMONICA was also created in the same evening,I was functioning mostly as a channel for dark forces,and also relying on motor memory to do any task at all
..everyone who says they want to help so far,tries to destroy me...
a similar thing happened with Clovenhoof Productions,said he would help me spread my music...then wanted me to not be seen in the public performing live.He and his Wife seemed really kind and sincere to me,they even got me bags of food when I had no money to buy any so I would not have to do the show at the Rox hungry...I was hopeful that I had met some people that really wanted to help all Black metal artists to keep creating the black art,he let me practice with a drummer in his garage studio,he put out Belial and MORBITORIUM when I was unable to fund the hard copies to be made,but then he was... acting very controlling and possessive on me personally... but since I do the work of darkness..he was trying to control something he should not have been trying to possess and control.the brief joining with Demonica records and Clovenhoof Productions to release the two albums makes me say... I wish that the joining had been more fruitful in the way of continuing..these two albums BELIAL and Morbitorium were on the top ten list going to number one on Black Metal.com and I appreciate them presenting my dark art, now Demonica remains again alone as a label and distro...also I have Cemetery Records under my wing which originaly was a label of Ganzir's Lord Adar,I have not heard from him for a long time,and do not know if he is alive or dead.(update and some potential good news,heard something from Ganzir and hope to update the site with info on this great dark band! .. Cemetery will always be a label I am just acting as guardian over for him,I respect him and his music.
Back to a memory when I was within the hands of Mortum....
when I sat at the computer when I was sick..
I looked like a skeleton,my mind hardly knew what a computer even was...I called up my website belita music medium
and it felt like that was another whole person,
a time when I was actually alive..I looked at it...with eyes that were dead going blind..
then my space screeensaver came on.I just looked at it.
I must have sat there without sleeping or eating for a week..a zombie...how I crossed back to this side...
shows...even the most lost...
if there is one part of a persons dark spirit left..and the will to survive...one..can make it back to living..even if it is not alive like one used to be.
And as horrible as this is..it is what makes Satanic Church Of The Dead very real.
and the rituals are what I had done since the early 1990's but had not found a way to place it into the world.I remember once contacting a local occult shop ,the owners I had known and shopped with for years,I had channeled the first of the Satanic Church Of The Dead writings Text Of Maggots...
I wanted to speak,channel the dark Satanic knowledge,
and perform a Black Mass in the ritual area of that shop,
he hung me up,and when I saw him again,he would not talk to me!,
but my Friends... after passing close to the other side it is what I bought back with me from the afterlife,the Church Of Necro-Satanism that I would bring into the earth.
Recently I had a vision that I should play live in a reverent area for those who wish communion with Satan,it seems the moment I get involved with other people that do not understand that this can never fit in with commercial garbage..I start to feel really bad about it,it feels very unnatural to me, that sort of mundane approach,I would never want it to be that way..so what I say is fuck them!,I have to do what I have to do,and I have to be the one to set up how it is done.Black Metal is a part of me,it is a door which opens to hell for me,music beyond music,a force of total and complete darkness....
I love all those who also play dark Satanic music..the fire of hell is upheld by those who perform the dark rituals through music.
These events happened from February 2006 to March 2006
Early morning,the sallow first rays of an end of winter sun shine in the bedroom where I lay with blood pooled under the skin of my swollen skeletal face...the skin on my hands,feet and legs are going mushy and purple in spots,my eyes are dead looking and yellow filmed the last I saw in a mirror
before I was again blind and seeing only blurs or darkness...
and all sound seems muffled and distant.
I pull myself up from my bed,
a mess of dying flesh and bone,again the air is pulled out from me,
I have no breath,like being sucked into a vortex of suffocation...
I know what is at the other end if I fully succumb to this,
it is not friendly to what I am,or as it feels now....to what I was before...
this ravaged all of my body and self..
and I was but a shell,with still some consciousness of what what going on..
I pull at my throat to try to grasp some air...
but if I fail to get some air...
I will be dragged into this oblivion,a presence not of evil,for I am a child of the dark,and evil is my friend..no...a presence of destruction...of a final captivity....
I am half in the other world,half in this one,
I walk in my house like a wraith who knows not life or death..
but is suspended between both...
my house has become as a morgue...
closing in on me as I grow more and more dead...some nights and days,I do not sleep at all,I do not eat,
I just walk,like in another realm,not of the living...
in the dark,the bathroom mirror as I lean against the wall....
shows only the shadow of a monster..
that was me reflected in a void of despair...
it was like some force,only as ugly as a human mind..had a grip
on the whole aura of the house....
pressing in on it,with a heavy vibe...
in the bedroom a cold spot like the chill of arctic ice. I want to die at home,not in an institution..
I go upstairs and look out the window as the trees blow in a windstorm,
and dark clouds cover the sky...
my vocal cords will not work anymore...
they feel soft and collapsed,and now if I try to sleep,it is like my life flashing
in snaps,further backword into suffocation..
.and when I awake I cannot breath at all..hanging over the bed..my Sister catches me before I fall over the edge.I have no breath..a brown liquid pouring out of my mouth..
and blood pours from my nose,my hair has fallen out in parts....
I sit at the computer not knowing anymore what it is...I must of sat there a week...
then I passed out hitting my head on the concrete floor....my flesh is rotting,
and the smell is of death that fills the room.I hope none finds out about this,,,
they will take me away!. I take a shower to wash the hair I have left,but end up staying in the shower in a state of skeletal metamorphis
all day into the night...
once the music from an ice cream truck passing..as night falls...and that night..voices of many people were heard by both I and my Sister in the living room.but no one was there.
.the vibes were that of dire,astral presences...
the ones that come when a person is "going"but it not their time to go...it was all wrong...
I am thrown up in the air from the bed,as the room becomes cold as frost..
I am suspended in levitation for a while then thrown down hard to the floor...and the atmosphere is..moribund.
I am sure it is the end as the blood pooled in my face
and I felt extreme pain in my head and jaw,and wished it now would be over
to end this pain.the swelling,
a piece of skin grown from inside my mouth out through my face..I said goodbye..that night,to my
life,my Sister,my dogs,my cats...
I knew it was my last night...it was now March 22 .
all my bodily functions ceased... a time to say goodbye to life,
To my surprise I awake..
to my dog pawing at me,frantically trying to wake me..I am bright blue all over...
but I am not red with the blood pooling or swollen anymore....
still,I feel the air being sucked from me as I attempt to walk...like the human mind presence...to take me now...no I cannot go,breath...hang on...
then,the next day...I awake,for I was able to sleep....
looking more like myself..just sick looking rather then a living skeleton..my eyes,were clear...face more round..like a metamorphose form the decayed zombie I had become....
like the three days some say a person has before they die in some cases that are documented...they suddenly get bright,talk, look better.clear eyes rather then dead eyes... then they die...but...I stayed my grace period...I could not see,I could not walk,I just laid there for a few weeks...
until I decided,am I going to be a vegetable or am I going to live with what I had left?...
I got up,fell over...with my sisters help I got dressed and went to the store with her helping to guide me by the hand for I was blind...
I could not walk very well because my feet were numb..and I took my first steps back into life.
When I got a little better able to function...
I had a picture taken in my yard by my garden holding my dog..but my eyes...were all white..after a while the color came back into them..I have blue eyes.
I went to the doctor,got an m.r.i..my brain was fine...wow...
I thought it would be really damaged...I felt very wierd.but that was good news..I had a test done on my heart...my heart showed as the waves being very abnormal... I have heart trouble now..I take aspirin for it.It was a few months, I had gone to Doctors and they could not find why I was still having trouble breathing and was still feeling sick,I had a blood test,and my blood was black purple,no one helped me to understand what was wrong,until....one morning was eating some cereal,and my whole front tooth snapped off,
the first dentist I went to just put a pin in it
and had me scheduled for a permanent tooth replacement placed over where the tooth broke,
but then the whole part of my gum turned blue after about a week,and had a decaying smell...
so I went to another dentist,who told me the bridge and the pin...
all had to be removed in order to save me from dying of the infection and gangrene,I was placed on antibiotics,
and had the surgery done,some of the tracks of Allegiance Of Darkness my first album were made all during this time,
the title track,Vampire Demonicus and other tracks and the night before my surgery I had completed the song,Comfort in the Darkness...
Retreat From The Writhing Pain, and I was back at working on the last few songs of the album two days after surgery...it was very hard to overcome the infection,and it had endangered my heart,so I had to take a dangerous antibiotic that would either save my life ...
at least prolong it with the lasting heart damage (nothing can reverse the heart problem because the infection was left so long that it was permanent)
or if I had a reaction to it(the medication) in my stomach...I was warned..it would kill me right away after taking it....
I had to take the medicine for about a week...turns out a lot of what led to me getting sick in the first place was a cosmetic tooth bridge that was not sealed right..it had hurt me for years..
always was bleeding and I would try to wash it out to save it,and I did not want it removed..mainly because I did not want to lose the bridge for cosmetic reasons and for singing also..and it ended up pretty much killing me.....because I suffered from Lupus since the age of 18..
the bridge got infected and caused an illness..it acted a lot like Ludwig's Angina where the brain can swell and the throat cut off air form a tooth abscess....
people die from that illness and also from Lupus....
it was an infection that stayed in the bridge that had no correct seal.One thing the dentist found abnormal is that the teeth that had to be removed all had a cut through them,it was was like a laser severed them..and that is why this front tooth broke the way it did.
How did this start happening?...
The onset of this was rather quick...
I had a photo session..was feeling ok...but I looked kind of bluish and my hands and arms had large veins..
these I had posted on my web site for a while..
then I started to get pains in my arms...and it made it hard for me to play the piano or guitar...
and I had two episodes of shaking all over...my hands whipping violently...
this was repetitive..almost psychotic...I always see a veil,
that is the separation of this world and the other,this I have seen since a child..but I saw more then just a veil now...I saw forms that moved like caverns..
I had deep rings under my eyes...
my hair was falling out and I could not sleep anymore...
at first I would be awakened by something at three in the morning and then not sleep..
but then it was all night I would walk around my house,then this carried on into the day and night as I grew more without sense or reason..
I remember going out and I was walking in a super store...and some people looked at me and said...muerte,mere! in Spanish that means "death"
and this progressed more and more ...until one night it happened...I was sitting in my music studio...and the scent of death filled the air..it was like my hair smelled like a dead birds feathers..and I was like in a morgue..I saw a hand reach out and touch me..I just sat there..the same night..I heard a voice say...I will make you a poppet..you will not eat or drink...
I was clawing at the wall in the room all night until day broke...for death was coming on the wings of early morning.and I was in the world ,not of the living but of a walking zombie.but made it back to life again.from all these events..came the inspiration for my music of death and darkness...
This space is my personal diary I share with you,just some things that stay in my mind,things spoken in whispers when the world is cloaked by the sheet of night,and that my morbid self would think of,so as things happen,I will write them here.
There was a place between two trees,that felt like a dark church,and I would think,and pray to the Dark Ones in that spot,one night I awoke from sleeping in my music studio that faced the back door ,and I saw.coming through the wall,a horde of skeletal,dead..these were on another plane of existance,but I could see them in the astral realm as I was in a half sleeping state..they were indeed coming up from the wash
The first Winter solstice after my own "death experience"I looked up as I was walking
and on the back upstairs balcony of the house about two down from my house,was a person,looking much as a zombie,half rotted,face blue,half skeletal,fingers missing,hands blue..and he was moaning...I felt a quiet communication ..some eye contact as I looked..then at night I would hear the moaning..but did not see my 'neighbor" only heard him..others in the area had seen him also .then I did not hear him anymore...it was whispered that a suicide had happened at that house...
If so I could truely understand that...when I was rotting away,I thought of "rushing"it along so I would not die the rather slow,painful death I was having to face
but something inside my dark spirit
told me not to interfere with the course of things
I do this in a sort of ritual,and allow myself to become entranced..I call the ones of the dead,the force of Necro-Satanism..I can almost feel like I am in the other portal realm,and can see the old places where those of the darkness would in times before..gather,and speak words..that would rise from the dust...those of the dead..and the aura of this and the energies...take me over..
May Satan Keep Me And Thee
© Satanic Church Of The Dead